ANCIENT HEBREW BETROTHAL AND MODERN ENGAGEMENT

By Jonathan Brown

Trying to understand ancient marriage and wedding practices can be a bit of a tricky endeavor. On the one hand, there are many different practices and traditions across cultures throughout world history. On the other hand, there are some pretty common aspects of ancient marriage found in Jewish communities around the time of Yeshua (Jesus) and the Apostles in the first century CE.

Today’s topic in particular is betrothal. You can think of betrothal as an engagement. Below we’ll look at what betrothal has in common with modern engagement, as well as where and how it differs.

Similarities

Both ancient Jewish betrothal as well as modern day engagement share many commonalities. First is the formality of it: both betrothal and engagement are generally formal events. Just think of those cute proposal videos you see on Instagram and Facebook. Get on one knee, open up the ring box, and pop the question: will you marry me?

Ancient Jewish betrothal is similar: a formal arrangement was made involving both the bride-to-be as well as her family. We see a Biblical example of this with Isaac and Rebekah, in Genesis 24. To stay up to date, I recommend taking a moment to go and read Genesis 24 really quick to re-familiarize yourself with the story. But in short, here’s the background: Abraham is old, and Sarah his wife has recently passed away. One of the social expectations of adults with unmarried adult children in the ancient world was to make sure they had a marriage arranged before the parent’s death.

So here’s Abraham, knowing he’s getting old, and his son Isaac is still single. So Abraham calls for his servant (who is identified by Jewish tradition as Eliezer of Damascus, cf. Gen. 15:2) and charges the servant to go to the land of the Arameans, Abraham’s relatives, and find a wife to Isaac there among them (so as to make sure a wife is not found among the Canaanites).

So the servant goes and does exactly that, and comes to the city of Nahor, a city named either after his uncle or his brother (but regardless, a family name). Once he’s there he takes his camels to the well outside the city to give them water. While he is there, he prays to the Lord and asks for kindness on Abraham’s behalf, that the woman who would be the perfect fit for Isaac would be revealed to him, so he could arrange the marriage as his master instructed. The sign that the servant asks for is that the woman in question would not only offer water to him, but also would volunteer to water his camels.

Lo and behold, here comes Rebekah, drawing water for both the servant as well as the camels.

(Fun side note here: given what has been observed from ancient customs and archeological evidence, if the servant brought 10 camels as 24:10 states, the amount of times Rebekah needed to descend to the well and draw up water, was anywhere from 50 to 60 times, carrying at least 500 - 600 gallons of water. Camels will drink 50 gallons or more at a time, so multiply that by 10 camels, plus enough water for the servant himself…you start to get the point. Needless to say, Rebekah was not feeble and weak: she was strong enough to perform this task)

So Rebekah waters all the camels, fulfilling the sign that the servant had asked for, and he brings out a gold nose ring and two gold bracelets and gives them to her. He then asks to stay at her father’s house, and she agrees.

Rebekah then informs her mother about all of this, and the servant begins to tell his story to her brother Laban, and then says he won’t eat until he has gotten an answer from them about whether Rebekah would marry Isaac.

The family agrees, and then they consult Rebekah as well, and she agrees to the arrangement, and there is an additional bestowing of gifts upon the family.

All of this, of course, is the long way of demonstrating the similarities between betrothal and engagement: betrothal included popping the question and offering the woman jewelry (like an engagement ring). Additionally, the betrothal and engagement period can vary, but both are similar in that they are a time of planning and preparation. Couples today get engaged and plan their wedding, where they will live, and get their separate matters (finances, possessions, etc.) in order. So it was with betrothal.

Differences

The differences between betrothal and engagement will likely stick out even more - at least in some respects - than the similarities.

For starters, marriages were often arranged, so there was no concept of dating prior to betrothal. Given that people typically married within their community or village or town, the young couple most certainly knew each other and each other’s family, but they did not have the concept of what we would call dating today. No dinner and a movie, no ski trips, no family pool parties and cook outs for summer break.

Perhaps one of the most important distinctions to make beyond this is that betrothal was a communal (read: public) affair, whereas engagement is often private. Aside from the extravagant sports stadium or live New Years Eve TV broadcast proposals, engagement is typically private, with maybe a photographer hidden behind a tree to capture the surprise and joy of the moment. (Or perhaps the occasional rejection). Betrothal, however, was much more of a family and community affair. In the example of Rebekah, we see that her father and brother were involved. She likely also received counsel from her mother and other female relatives, since verse 28 says she ran and told, not her father’s household, but her mother’s.

Another difference that is key to point out is the betrothal period. Engagements vary widely in modern Western culture. My (Jonathan) own engagement, in fact, lasted only a month! (Crazy, I know). Some last for multiple years. But in the ancient Near Eastern world where we find the Hebrew people, that was not the case. In fact, a multi-year engagement was out of the question largely because of the necessity of growing a family to stay alive. Typically, in Jewish practice, an engagement lasted roughly a year. During this time the groom would be away preparing a home for the couple to live in. This often meant essentially building an addition onto his family’s house, effectively creating his own sort of in-law suite. After this was complete, he would return for his bride, the wedding ceremony and festivities would take place, and then they would be officially married.

The parallel here to John 14 should not be missed.

1 “Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many rooms; if that were not so, I would have told you, because I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I am coming again and will take you to Myself, so that where I am, there you also will be. (John 14:1-3, NASB2020)

Notice that the singular “house” (οἰκίᾳ [oikia] for the Greek nerds) has plural “rooms” (μοναὶ [monai]). Now set this in a first-century Jewish context and it makes more sense. When a man got married, he essentially added a new room onto the family home. So it is for the Bride of Messiah, that He goes to prepare a place for us in what will eventually be the New Jerusalem (see Rev. 21).

All that to say, when we read about betrothals and marriages in the Bible, we need to do so through the eyes of the ancient Hebrew. Isaac didn’t get down on one knee and open a Tiffany’s box, but what the servant of Abraham did by giving Rebekah a nose ring and bracelets largely had the same meaning. When Yeshua speaks of preparing a place for us, where we will dwell with Him forever, He uses betrothal imagery because that connected with His audience in the first century.

Conclusion

For us today, we can understand the similarities and differences between ancient Jewish betrothal and modern day western engagement. But what does it mean, and why is it worth learning about?

As with everything we learn in our day-to-day studies of Scripture, the more we can understand of the background and customs of the ancient Hebrew culture, the more we can better understand what God is telling us through the Scriptures.